Oak Meadow
Student Work: Belle DiMonté

A Not At All Serious Discussion of Writing

Someone asked me for advice the other day.
Writing advice. I rolled my eyes. The day must come, eventually, I suppose, when any writer is asked for writing advice.

My advice?

Never accept advice on writing. Nobody knows anything. Honestly.

When I was still unpublished and insecure about my own writing, I scoured countless books on writing advice in the hopes of discovering the Golden Gem of Writing Wisdom, an ephemeral, onlywhispered- about-in-dark-alleys bit of ultimate writing advice that ensures an excellent story, inside and out. Guess what? I didn’t find the Golden Gem. Instead, I was so exhausted from adventuring, seeking, and fleeing (Indiana Jones movie, anyone?) that it took me a very long time before I was able to pick up a pen again; and, with a trembling hand, write a few words.

You see, everybody has advice to offer, but everyone likes and dislikes different things. Thus, you find ‘How to Write’ books (interesting concept, isn’t it, a book on how to write a book? What about a book on how to write a book on how to write a book?) rife with contradictions and, in some cases, just plain stupidity: one book I read had a pages-long list of writing rules for beginners to remember; and the last rule was: “Don’t be afraid to break rules!” So what was the point of our memorizing those pages of rules?

Now comes the predictable part of this post. Though I advise people not to accept writing advice, I can’t help but indulge my hot-air-filled author’s ego and attempt to offer helpful hints. My inner mage-mentor is chuckling gleefully and rubbing her hands together. She loves this. She really does.

  • Never accept advice on writing. Yet I will give you advice anyway.
  • Listen to your characters. They are wise. And when they displease you, send gremlins after them.
  • When in doubt, take the other path. Mind the gremlins.
  • Please, use spellcheck. It’s the least you can do.
  • Don’t write when you’re not in the mood. Please, for the sake of your characters. And the gremlins.
  • As tempting as it might be, don’t make yourself the main character. Then you’re overly nice to them or give them super hot boyfriends and the story seems unbelievable. And it’s just selfi sh.
  • Nothing fixes a troubled plot better than a sudden snowstorm or character’s untimely demise. no explanation needed. Things happen, you know.
  • Microsoft Word, though lovely, is not onehundred percent safe. Keep backups of your precious stories, either by handwriting your story fi rst, printing the fi le, or burning the fi le to a disc. And PLEASE do not write on a low battery, while drinking coffee, or when your keyboard-walking cat is in the room.
  • When plagued with writer’s block (I call it mental constipation), go outside, watch TV, or drink prune juice. Something ought to come out. Pun intended.
  • Let your mother read your story. not only will she surely fl atter you (what else are mothers for?), she might also offer helpful hints to improving the work.
  • never, ever accept advice on writing. Remember that. And remember that advice. never accept advice. Wait…if I said not to accept advice, but say not to accept advice on accepting advice, does that mean you should accept writing advice…? now I’m confused…

Belle DiMonté, age 16, loves writing, reading Latin, and brewing tea. She’s been frequently published and has just finished writing her first novel. Find out more about her work at belleofmountains.wordpress.com.